Posts Tagged ‘hurt’

Wake up will I be normal today
With racing thoughts going so fast
Up and down my moods shift
Minutes and Hours rapidly change

I can be happy but then a sudden flash
And rage pure and evil
I love you yet I hate you too
Set myself up for the hurt

I go by perceived perception
That is my truth that is what I believe
Logic and rational behaviour does not exist
Wear my emotions on my sleeve

I cant control how I feel
This is all I know how to be
Yes I want to try to be different
But how can you change who you are

I hate when I’m left alone
I feel like ive been abandoned
Family hurt me
Rejected never did I fit in

I cry with the slightest thing
Hate criticism even praise
Dont like to be judged
I do that myself

Used to hurt myself because I need punishment
Its the only way I can cope
Cant do that anymore
Have to be responsible

No one likes me anyway
Why should I care my head shouts
Yet my heart whispers you do
I suffer every day

People are out to get me
Hurt me and destroy who I am
No one can I trust
Yet I long for to be loved

When I feel threatened by others
I panic and fear takes over
My heart races and it hurts
Adrenalin overwhelms my body

When I cry its with such force
I struggle for breath and hyperventilate
My world comes crashing down around me
And all I want to do is hide away

Try to fit in and will do anything
Lie to make me seem right
Manipulative, I don’t want to be alone
Hate everything that I am

Who am I I constantly ask
No identity, empty inside
Need to be someone else to be liked
Run away from myself

Impulsive nature, spend like no tomorrow
I laugh yet cry at the same time
Change my look, everything just to be liked
Impressionable to a severe degree

So scared of being rejected and abandoned
I twist everything I hear, perceived to be hatred for me
Up go the barriers must protect myself
Hurt those I most care about

Only those who really know me
See this for what it really is
Those who don’t just see an emotional wreck
An un-repairable write off.

©www.battlingbpd.org

Catastrophizing – Exaggerating the situation, making it seem more catastrophic than it actually is.

This can be a scary experience for someone with BPD. Believing situations are worse than they are can cause anxiety. But also thinking that things like conversations are going to go terribly wrong and that the situation is going to result in an argument or that things are going to be said. Imagining the situation to go many ways, but focusing on the worst way.

An over reaction of the situation can cause those around you to react saying things such as “yeah what ever” “your looking too deep into it” “don’t be so stupid” “stop being so negative all the time” “gosh be positive will you”. Catastrophizing can take a lot of energy and time, as focusing on the worst means there isn’t any time to see the best case scenarios. This is exhausting for the person with BPD and the people around them.

The loved ones and those close to the person with bpd are often most attacked. Situations that arise that normally wouldn’t cause any reactions are blown out of proportion. Loved ones can be told that they are cheating even without any evidence, or just because their loved one spoke to someone of the other sex. Friends can be accused of ignoring the person with BPD and can come under attack because the person started off thinking that they are ignoring them, then that they don’t want to talk to them, then start texting said friend, without thinking of the consequences then thinking of what could happen in result of the text, then thinking oh god what if I’ve just ruined the friendship, and start thinking about rejection.

Catastrophizing can also come from small thoughts. For example, watching the news and someone got raped in a daylight attack, this can cause a person with BPD to then start thinking, one thought can lead to another which leads to another and before you know it, they believe that they are going to be raped, all within a few minutes. This can lead to fear and paranoia. Should I go out every again, and start judging every man around them. Even leading to shouting to all men, I know what you are and if you come near me I will scream.

Recognising a person with BPD that they are catastrophizing events and situations, that they are coming to conclusions that are very unlikely and quite possibly will not happen, is vital in helping them to deal with it with the support of those around them. Listening to their concerns and helping them work through what they are thinking, is it justified? If so then fine, but if not, work through the thought process without judgement.

I believe this post will be about rejection and associated fears.

This is the situation I have had today. I text a friend this morning asking if she would like to come over this afternoon. I got no response, so when I see that she is with her other friend, I got very upset and sent an angry text message to her. Instantly regretting it once I had sent it. At the same time my Care Coordinator arrived with someone else from the team shadowing her. We discussed what had happened, my care co was sure that things would be ok, I wasn’t so sure. I felt she didn’t want to be around me. Through the session I received a text message back, fearing what it would say I read it and it was a really nice message. My friend said about the signal in her home. Instantly I burst into tears. I had completely forgotten that she has rubbish signal. I felt and still do feel guilty. All I want to do right now is bombard her with texts saying I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her as a friend.

I know the skills so that this sort of incident doesn’t happen, but I didn’t use it, instead I let emotional mind get the better of me.

This is what I should have done.

-look at all possible scenarios and reasons, like she hadn’t received the text, that she was busy and had read the text but forgotten about it, that she didn’t have signal.
-not send the text that I did, instead asking if she had received the text this morning and if she was up to coming round
-radically accept that the possible scenarios do happen and that even if she didn’t want to be around me, that that is ok too.

This is what I am doing now.

-writing this post so that others can see my mistake and my workings through using a mini chain analysis.
-not bombarding my friend with texts
-accepting that what happened, happened.
-using mindfulness to help reduce the strength of some emotions I am currently feeling.

What this represents to myself.

As many with BPD, I suffer with black and white thinking. I struggle to see the whole picture, at least not until its too late.

I put people on very unrealistically high pedestals. These people are then never going to reach my expectations and of course when the realisation of this occurs I am left feeling rejected, even though this perceived rejection is completely unfounded, the whole situation has been made up in my head. but I cant see that, not until someone tells me or I realise it afterwards.

So I’ve placed a friend on this pedestal. I think they are the bee’s knees, there is nothing they can do wrong…. oh but then they did, its something small in reality, but to me its the worst thing ever they could have done. Now I hate them, I never want to speak to them again. So I avoid all contact, ignoring them in every way possible. Then some how some way contact is made, and just simple words can change my whole perspective on the person… and now I back to liking them again.

What my reaction would be. I would tell said friend to leave me alone, not to talk to me. I wouldn’t reply to texts, calls, social networks. I would hope that they would just disappear.

So I’ve made plans with a friend but they’ve had to cancel… the thoughts are, they don’t like me any more, bet they cancelled on me because they want to do that plan with someone else better. I hate them, what can I do to make them see I am worthy of doing things with. Its because of me, they know that i’m mental so that’s why they don’t want to be around me. I can get angry too either they like me or they don’t, which is it.

What my reaction would be.. Well I’d kind of attack this person verbally, well via text, saying all the things I was thinking and how I was hurt and why wasn’t I good enough to go out with.

what would the reactions be of the people I’ve been talking about. One has quite simply put it as whatever, get on with your messed up head. I’ve had one friend call me a psychotic little bitch. Others have been more sympathetic, allowing me time to sort things out in my head. Or reacting in a nice manner, explaining things for me.

When I’ve had these thoughts and then gone through the whole black and white thinking and come out the other side if by some miracle I still have a friendship at the end of it. The words that they say to help and support me, result in me crying my eyes out and screaming inside, why cant I be normal, I don’t want my friends to feel they have to be like this around me. Usually crying comes after a lot of things BPD related. For me it is the number one go to reaction, whether I like it or not.

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