Posts Tagged ‘BPD’

We tend to think negatively more than thinking and finding the positives in our lives, we are quick to think negatively and tell ourselves we are bad and shouldn’t do things, we can talk ourselves out of doing things, we judge ourselves and therefore our self worth suffers, we don’t think we can do certain things so put ourselves down, when in reality we are more than capable of doing things we just choose not to. The result is that opportunities are missed and choices get chosen for us.

We change and influence our lives by our feelings and when we are stuck in negative thinking, it can cause further damage to our self esteem and our confidence. Here are a few ways we put ourselves down and talk ourselves out of doing what we are capable of doing:

Repeating past experiences

People sometimes find that if they do something and get a certain result then there is nothing they can do to change that result should they find themselves in the same situation again. The outcome however can be changed by looking at the result with a different perception, you and only you can change the future. By thinking more positively and ignoring and avoiding negative thinking, the outcomes will become more positive.

Self Talk

Self talk plays a big part in our lives whether this be negative or positive, it helps us to make decisions, and it influences our lives a lot. Negative self talk can result in a negative outcome.

Reflecting

We sometimes spend too long looking at the past, mostly in a negative manner, but it doesn’t mean that you are back to square one. It means you have taken an option and gone a different route, however if you want to get back to the route you where on then you have to realise where you went wrong and think of positive ways you can get back there.

Practising positive thinking

If you have spent years thinking negatively at yourself, the world around you, your life etc, then these conditioning’s will make thinking and acting positively harder but not impossible, its about changing your habits and thinking more positively, unfortunately this wont happen overnight and may take some time. Its about changing your habits.

By paying more attention and persevering with your thoughts you can change your thinking. By visualising yourself as a confident, happy person you can begin to see yourself as this person. Now unfortunately you will have days where you feel down and cant be bothered, but see this day as a blip, one that can be forgotten about and you can try again tomorrow.

Its a horrible place to be in when you are feeling suicidal, you cant see anyway out or any future; life just doesn’t seem worth living. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you don’t have to go through with any thoughts or feelings that you are currently experiencing, remember these are just thoughts they are not facts and you do not have to act on them.

That being said, I know how it feels to be in this excruciating mental pain, and I know what it feels like to act on the thoughts and nearly complete suicide. What I wish I had back when I made the near fatal attempt is some wise words, some hope. Click Here READ ME FIRST!! this website isn’t for distraction but to ask you to read it first before making any decision. To take a step back for a moment. Had I known about this website back then, would I have made the attempt, I don’t know.

Hope that this post and linked website is able to help when you are feeling distressed, overwhelmed and feel you have no way out.

This is something i learnt when i first did DBT back in 2008. Its rather effective in how it works.

Sit back and relax your face from the top to your chin and jaw, let go of each facial muscle and feel everything becoming loose. Your forehead, eyes, brows, cheeks, mouth and tongue; teeth slightly apart. If you have difficulty, try tensing your facial muscles first and letting them go. A tense smile is a grin and might tell your brain you are hiding or masking your real feelings.

Let both corners of your lips go slightly up, just so you can feel them. It is not necessary for others to see it. A half smile is slightly upturned lips with a relaxed face.

Try to adopt a serene facial expression. Remember, your face communicates to your brain; your body connects to your mind.

So basically when you do a half smile the brain believes you to be in a calmer happier place and therefore you begin to feel calmer and happier.

Wake up will I be normal today
With racing thoughts going so fast
Up and down my moods shift
Minutes and Hours rapidly change

I can be happy but then a sudden flash
And rage pure and evil
I love you yet I hate you too
Set myself up for the hurt

I go by perceived perception
That is my truth that is what I believe
Logic and rational behaviour does not exist
Wear my emotions on my sleeve

I cant control how I feel
This is all I know how to be
Yes I want to try to be different
But how can you change who you are

I hate when I’m left alone
I feel like ive been abandoned
Family hurt me
Rejected never did I fit in

I cry with the slightest thing
Hate criticism even praise
Dont like to be judged
I do that myself

Used to hurt myself because I need punishment
Its the only way I can cope
Cant do that anymore
Have to be responsible

No one likes me anyway
Why should I care my head shouts
Yet my heart whispers you do
I suffer every day

People are out to get me
Hurt me and destroy who I am
No one can I trust
Yet I long for to be loved

When I feel threatened by others
I panic and fear takes over
My heart races and it hurts
Adrenalin overwhelms my body

When I cry its with such force
I struggle for breath and hyperventilate
My world comes crashing down around me
And all I want to do is hide away

Try to fit in and will do anything
Lie to make me seem right
Manipulative, I don’t want to be alone
Hate everything that I am

Who am I I constantly ask
No identity, empty inside
Need to be someone else to be liked
Run away from myself

Impulsive nature, spend like no tomorrow
I laugh yet cry at the same time
Change my look, everything just to be liked
Impressionable to a severe degree

So scared of being rejected and abandoned
I twist everything I hear, perceived to be hatred for me
Up go the barriers must protect myself
Hurt those I most care about

Only those who really know me
See this for what it really is
Those who don’t just see an emotional wreck
An un-repairable write off.

©www.battlingbpd.org

its been a while since anything was posted on this website and for that I am sorry. I want to start to update and use this blog on a daily basis. If there are any topics you would like me to write about then let me know and i will do my best to do so.

So whats been going on with me… Im currently doing a Living skills group course. Its a 7 week long course and is basically a mini dbt course. It focuses on the four main components of DBT but in smaller less detailed modules. So far we have done Distress Tolerance and Mindfulness. I’ll go into this in more detail in another post.

Ive had ups and downs with my mood, came off meds and now back on them, lost friendships and gained friendships. Ive tried so hard to keep to my goal of if i feel someone is going to reject/abandon me then i take a step back and try and see the bigger picture, find out all the facts first and then make an all rounded decision, but its been more difficult lately and thats been a huge struggle for me and that Ive reacted in ways that im not pleased about. I told myself that I wouldnt use facebook as a weapon or as a place to vent things like this, because I know the reaction it can cause can be destructive even further. Yet I used facebook as a place to vent and to air my views on a certain subject and that was wrong even though the people who did comment helped me alot and i thanked them for it afterwards in a seperate post to the original one as i deleted that, i cant help but think what on earth the rest of the people on my facebook thought of me that day, did this cause their opinion on me to differ, did they just see things how i saw it and saw the hurt that i was feeling or did they think something else altogether. I’ll never know.

Things are changing and there is nothing i can do about it, I know these changes have been coming for some time now. My son who may have some form of Autism is going to school in September, so I have been working hard to try and get all the support in place for him and finally met his teacher this past monday and she seems lovely, spoke to his SENCO and she has put some worries Ive had at ease. So Im in the transitioning phase of getting my son ready for school and gently telling him that he will not be going to his preschools after we go on holiday.

Im finding alot of the trauma that i thought I had left behind years ago is coming back. All of it is including my mother and what she did to me, how she treated me and the emotions and feelings and thoughts that are coming with it all, whilst I no longer self harm I find myself wanting to find ways to self destruct in hope that I can cope with what my mind has decided now is the time that I remember it all again.

Feel like Im going backwards yet again, I just start getting somewhere and my mind says nope not done yet here have this. I know they (whoever they are) say when life throws you lemons, make lemonade but dammit there is only so much lemonade you can make!!

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