The criteria and signs and symptoms have already been discussed in the “What is BPD?” section of the website.
I’m going to talk about how recovering so much that you no longer meet the criteria for BPD, but then relapsing badly so that you do re-meet the criteria.

This is what is happening for me.

It’s a horrible feeling, when I realised that I was relapsing and it seemed impossible to stop the relapse. I know all the tell-tale signs and the skills that were giving to help me to recover but everything seems to have gone out the window and it’s almost as if I’m are starting all over again.

That realisation, especially when I know the stigma with the diagnosis and how the professionals seem to treat you when you have the diagnosis of BPD. It makes me feel a failure to myself and to those who love me and care for me, as well as to the professionals who did help me to recover.

I’m desperate to keep the few friends I’ve have made, When my friends and do something together (which they are allowed to do) my mind starts telling me they don’t like you, you’re not wanted, they don’t want you around. It’s hard to put rational thinking into the equation. But because I don’t want to lose them completely instead of going off on one, I don’t text, I avoid, staying away so that I don’t get hurt (imagined) anymore. Any thought of trying to talk to my friends about how I am are thinking and feeling would be disastrous as I believe that they will think of me as a complete freak and that I’m too needy and will actually reject me.

I do try to tell myself that my friends do have other friends and that they don’t have to be around me all the time. I know this, I know that even I myself would get fed up being around the same people all the time, it’s nice to have a break and see other friends. I used to be mad on Facebook in regards to how many friends I had. I used to have everyone I knew on my friends list, now I only have a select few who I want on my friends list. Having many friends isn’t the be all to end all. I realise that now.

I put people on high pedestals so when they don’t reach my expectations I don’t like them anymore. I can hate people one minute, to the point of never wanting to speak to them again, to them saying something and that’s it I’m back liking them again. I feel I am weak in that sense because I can be with the wrong people and although I want to say things, I’m scared they will reject me but also hurt me physically. I’m scared of being punched and beaten up, this is why I don’t say anything to people who I am friends with or acquaintances. People who I don’t know and pass in the street, I will say things too but still fear I will be beaten up and physically hurt. Yet sometimes my mouth gets the better of me.

My anger is out of control, I am taking medication for it but I can still fly off the handle at times, I’ve got a sharp tongue and will say hurtful things especially if I feel people are going to reject/abandon me, I want to make them want to go. I imagine conversations in my head on how certain events could turn out. Most of the time these imagined conversations never materialise and that it’s just my mind in overdrive. I’m on hyper-alert and feel I need to protect myself against the worst. But of course if something good happens and this event that I thought was going to be bad, actually turns out to be good, I’m stunned I don’t know how to respond so end up there looking bewildered because it wasn’t what I was expecting.

I am reckless with my spending and it has got my family into financial difficulty. I am addicted to Bingo sites and I will spend and spend, at first it is like I’m playing for fun, but then I start losing and I know I need to re-coop my money so put more on to try and get my money back and it sometimes works but most of the time it doesn’t, before long I’ve spent up to my quota for the week and nothing to show for it.

I have this urge every now and then to want to run away. I don’t know why, I am happy with my family and life and I want to stay at home, yet these thoughts appear and I start to fantasise about doing it, what would happen and what I would do. I wouldn’t actually do it but the fantasy is still there and can get quite strong. I try to imagine it like a story idea when it gets too much.

Alongside this thought, when I get distressed and suicidal, I have fantasies about going places. I try my hardest to just ride these thoughts and so far it has worked. It doesn’t help when the news describe someone’s death so graphically. It’s a trigger for me and can make the situation worse.

I have beliefs that occur fleetingly that people are out to hurt me and that I’m going to hurt others. I become wary of people and avoid everyone I can. I still have to go out and things but I’m continuously looking over my shoulder watching people around me, I become suspicious of people around me, especially those who seem to be following where I am going.

My mood is all over the place. I am up and down, and around and around. I’m like a yoyo. I can wake up feeling happy and go to bed depressed. In between those I can have a mixture of moods. My husband calls it “getting stressed” where I take things out on others and see no wrong in my behaviour. I can be an embarrassment to be around when I get into that sort of mood because I don’t see no wrong in my behaviour and won’t take responsibility for my behaviour.

Every had that moment where you suddenly don’t feel attached to the world, like you’re just floating there and not able to connect with anything around you. It’s uncomfortable to say the least and when it happens I tend to pinch myself, have some sort of sensation to touch my skin so that I can become reattached to the world. I zone out too, but can seem rude to others but I can’t help it, again I used senses to help to bring me back to the here and now.

I’ve done DBT therapy and I know the skills, and I do use them alot now that I know I meet the criteria again.
I’m not diagnosed yet, but I know that when I talk to my care coordinator and psychiatrist that they will re-diagnose the disorder instantly.

My current diagnosis is Bipolar and to a certain extent I can see the diagnosis, but I know that not everything is due to the Bipolar. I am taking a mood stabiliser and an antipsychotic to help with the Bipolar, I just don’t know what to do in regards to the BPD, there isn’t much my mental health team offers anymore due to cuts.

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