Archive for the ‘Interpersonal Relationships’ Category

its been a while since anything was posted on this website and for that I am sorry. I want to start to update and use this blog on a daily basis. If there are any topics you would like me to write about then let me know and i will do my best to do so.

So whats been going on with me… Im currently doing a Living skills group course. Its a 7 week long course and is basically a mini dbt course. It focuses on the four main components of DBT but in smaller less detailed modules. So far we have done Distress Tolerance and Mindfulness. I’ll go into this in more detail in another post.

Ive had ups and downs with my mood, came off meds and now back on them, lost friendships and gained friendships. Ive tried so hard to keep to my goal of if i feel someone is going to reject/abandon me then i take a step back and try and see the bigger picture, find out all the facts first and then make an all rounded decision, but its been more difficult lately and thats been a huge struggle for me and that Ive reacted in ways that im not pleased about. I told myself that I wouldnt use facebook as a weapon or as a place to vent things like this, because I know the reaction it can cause can be destructive even further. Yet I used facebook as a place to vent and to air my views on a certain subject and that was wrong even though the people who did comment helped me alot and i thanked them for it afterwards in a seperate post to the original one as i deleted that, i cant help but think what on earth the rest of the people on my facebook thought of me that day, did this cause their opinion on me to differ, did they just see things how i saw it and saw the hurt that i was feeling or did they think something else altogether. I’ll never know.

Things are changing and there is nothing i can do about it, I know these changes have been coming for some time now. My son who may have some form of Autism is going to school in September, so I have been working hard to try and get all the support in place for him and finally met his teacher this past monday and she seems lovely, spoke to his SENCO and she has put some worries Ive had at ease. So Im in the transitioning phase of getting my son ready for school and gently telling him that he will not be going to his preschools after we go on holiday.

Im finding alot of the trauma that i thought I had left behind years ago is coming back. All of it is including my mother and what she did to me, how she treated me and the emotions and feelings and thoughts that are coming with it all, whilst I no longer self harm I find myself wanting to find ways to self destruct in hope that I can cope with what my mind has decided now is the time that I remember it all again.

Feel like Im going backwards yet again, I just start getting somewhere and my mind says nope not done yet here have this. I know they (whoever they are) say when life throws you lemons, make lemonade but dammit there is only so much lemonade you can make!!

What this represents to myself.

As many with BPD, I suffer with black and white thinking. I struggle to see the whole picture, at least not until its too late.

I put people on very unrealistically high pedestals. These people are then never going to reach my expectations and of course when the realisation of this occurs I am left feeling rejected, even though this perceived rejection is completely unfounded, the whole situation has been made up in my head. but I cant see that, not until someone tells me or I realise it afterwards.

So I’ve placed a friend on this pedestal. I think they are the bee’s knees, there is nothing they can do wrong…. oh but then they did, its something small in reality, but to me its the worst thing ever they could have done. Now I hate them, I never want to speak to them again. So I avoid all contact, ignoring them in every way possible. Then some how some way contact is made, and just simple words can change my whole perspective on the person… and now I back to liking them again.

What my reaction would be. I would tell said friend to leave me alone, not to talk to me. I wouldn’t reply to texts, calls, social networks. I would hope that they would just disappear.

So I’ve made plans with a friend but they’ve had to cancel… the thoughts are, they don’t like me any more, bet they cancelled on me because they want to do that plan with someone else better. I hate them, what can I do to make them see I am worthy of doing things with. Its because of me, they know that i’m mental so that’s why they don’t want to be around me. I can get angry too either they like me or they don’t, which is it.

What my reaction would be.. Well I’d kind of attack this person verbally, well via text, saying all the things I was thinking and how I was hurt and why wasn’t I good enough to go out with.

what would the reactions be of the people I’ve been talking about. One has quite simply put it as whatever, get on with your messed up head. I’ve had one friend call me a psychotic little bitch. Others have been more sympathetic, allowing me time to sort things out in my head. Or reacting in a nice manner, explaining things for me.

When I’ve had these thoughts and then gone through the whole black and white thinking and come out the other side if by some miracle I still have a friendship at the end of it. The words that they say to help and support me, result in me crying my eyes out and screaming inside, why cant I be normal, I don’t want my friends to feel they have to be like this around me. Usually crying comes after a lot of things BPD related. For me it is the number one go to reaction, whether I like it or not.

Why don’t I have any friends?

This is a common complaint from many people with BPD. They feel rejected and get themselves into the mind-set of negative conclusions. If one friend has rejected them whether they actually have or perceived then all of their friends have rejected them and they have no one. The idealisation and devaluation thinking plays a part here too.

People with BPD are very quick to push everyone away if they feel that friends/family are going to leave them, even if one friend walks away from them they believe that everyone else will. Despite having a circle of friends once that one friend walks away, the person with BPD then forgets about the other friends who haven’t done anything. “I have no friends, no one is ever going to like me, and I’m always going to be a loner” these are typical statements from a person with BPD.

Even when trying to make new friends outside of the circle they are in now the fear of rejection is so strong so despite the desire to want new friends the fear holds them back and they fail to make new friends.

So what happens when a person with BPD publically displays their belief of having no friends in front of friends who had done no wrong?

I have personally asked one friend how she felt when I said I had no friends and she said that she felt upset and hurt that I had said that and that I felt she wasn’t a close enough friend to me for me to realise that she is here for me no matter what.

Other friends have turned around and said well sod you then and distanced themselves from me, at the time I did not see that this was BPD behaviour but now I am learning what is BPD behaviour and what isn’t, I am becoming more aware of the BPD thinking styles and how distorted they are.

Now that you are more aware of the BPD behaviour what are you doing to challenge it?

When I feel I have no friends I take a step back from the feelings and look at myself from a different perspective, that helps me to realise that I do have friends and that although I may not speak to them daily or even weekly it does not mean that they are not my friends anymore it just means we all have busy lives, but with some friends when we do get together we chat as if there had been no gap between our get-togethers.

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