Archive for the ‘Awareness’ Category

We tend to think negatively more than thinking and finding the positives in our lives, we are quick to think negatively and tell ourselves we are bad and shouldn’t do things, we can talk ourselves out of doing things, we judge ourselves and therefore our self worth suffers, we don’t think we can do certain things so put ourselves down, when in reality we are more than capable of doing things we just choose not to. The result is that opportunities are missed and choices get chosen for us.

We change and influence our lives by our feelings and when we are stuck in negative thinking, it can cause further damage to our self esteem and our confidence. Here are a few ways we put ourselves down and talk ourselves out of doing what we are capable of doing:

Repeating past experiences

People sometimes find that if they do something and get a certain result then there is nothing they can do to change that result should they find themselves in the same situation again. The outcome however can be changed by looking at the result with a different perception, you and only you can change the future. By thinking more positively and ignoring and avoiding negative thinking, the outcomes will become more positive.

Self Talk

Self talk plays a big part in our lives whether this be negative or positive, it helps us to make decisions, and it influences our lives a lot. Negative self talk can result in a negative outcome.

Reflecting

We sometimes spend too long looking at the past, mostly in a negative manner, but it doesn’t mean that you are back to square one. It means you have taken an option and gone a different route, however if you want to get back to the route you where on then you have to realise where you went wrong and think of positive ways you can get back there.

Practising positive thinking

If you have spent years thinking negatively at yourself, the world around you, your life etc, then these conditioning’s will make thinking and acting positively harder but not impossible, its about changing your habits and thinking more positively, unfortunately this wont happen overnight and may take some time. Its about changing your habits.

By paying more attention and persevering with your thoughts you can change your thinking. By visualising yourself as a confident, happy person you can begin to see yourself as this person. Now unfortunately you will have days where you feel down and cant be bothered, but see this day as a blip, one that can be forgotten about and you can try again tomorrow.

its been a while since anything was posted on this website and for that I am sorry. I want to start to update and use this blog on a daily basis. If there are any topics you would like me to write about then let me know and i will do my best to do so.

So whats been going on with me… Im currently doing a Living skills group course. Its a 7 week long course and is basically a mini dbt course. It focuses on the four main components of DBT but in smaller less detailed modules. So far we have done Distress Tolerance and Mindfulness. I’ll go into this in more detail in another post.

Ive had ups and downs with my mood, came off meds and now back on them, lost friendships and gained friendships. Ive tried so hard to keep to my goal of if i feel someone is going to reject/abandon me then i take a step back and try and see the bigger picture, find out all the facts first and then make an all rounded decision, but its been more difficult lately and thats been a huge struggle for me and that Ive reacted in ways that im not pleased about. I told myself that I wouldnt use facebook as a weapon or as a place to vent things like this, because I know the reaction it can cause can be destructive even further. Yet I used facebook as a place to vent and to air my views on a certain subject and that was wrong even though the people who did comment helped me alot and i thanked them for it afterwards in a seperate post to the original one as i deleted that, i cant help but think what on earth the rest of the people on my facebook thought of me that day, did this cause their opinion on me to differ, did they just see things how i saw it and saw the hurt that i was feeling or did they think something else altogether. I’ll never know.

Things are changing and there is nothing i can do about it, I know these changes have been coming for some time now. My son who may have some form of Autism is going to school in September, so I have been working hard to try and get all the support in place for him and finally met his teacher this past monday and she seems lovely, spoke to his SENCO and she has put some worries Ive had at ease. So Im in the transitioning phase of getting my son ready for school and gently telling him that he will not be going to his preschools after we go on holiday.

Im finding alot of the trauma that i thought I had left behind years ago is coming back. All of it is including my mother and what she did to me, how she treated me and the emotions and feelings and thoughts that are coming with it all, whilst I no longer self harm I find myself wanting to find ways to self destruct in hope that I can cope with what my mind has decided now is the time that I remember it all again.

Feel like Im going backwards yet again, I just start getting somewhere and my mind says nope not done yet here have this. I know they (whoever they are) say when life throws you lemons, make lemonade but dammit there is only so much lemonade you can make!!

I believe this post will be about rejection and associated fears.

This is the situation I have had today. I text a friend this morning asking if she would like to come over this afternoon. I got no response, so when I see that she is with her other friend, I got very upset and sent an angry text message to her. Instantly regretting it once I had sent it. At the same time my Care Coordinator arrived with someone else from the team shadowing her. We discussed what had happened, my care co was sure that things would be ok, I wasn’t so sure. I felt she didn’t want to be around me. Through the session I received a text message back, fearing what it would say I read it and it was a really nice message. My friend said about the signal in her home. Instantly I burst into tears. I had completely forgotten that she has rubbish signal. I felt and still do feel guilty. All I want to do right now is bombard her with texts saying I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her as a friend.

I know the skills so that this sort of incident doesn’t happen, but I didn’t use it, instead I let emotional mind get the better of me.

This is what I should have done.

-look at all possible scenarios and reasons, like she hadn’t received the text, that she was busy and had read the text but forgotten about it, that she didn’t have signal.
-not send the text that I did, instead asking if she had received the text this morning and if she was up to coming round
-radically accept that the possible scenarios do happen and that even if she didn’t want to be around me, that that is ok too.

This is what I am doing now.

-writing this post so that others can see my mistake and my workings through using a mini chain analysis.
-not bombarding my friend with texts
-accepting that what happened, happened.
-using mindfulness to help reduce the strength of some emotions I am currently feeling.

Why is it that we feel guilty for doing something good about ourselves, whether it be doing something simple as getting bathed and dressed in the morning even pushing to put a little make up on, or whether it be going out with friends. This past weekend I went out with friends on our boat. I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the time. But now I’m feeling guilty.

We can accept all the negative emotions, everything bad, after all that is what we believe we deserve. But having something good happen to us and we are out of our comfort zone. How can someone be nice to us. We don’t know how to respond. Not being judged and being allowed to be ourselves seems a dream to us, so when actually that dream does come true your left thinking that its not going to last, and thus the rejection fears become strong.

Feeling emotions that are positive in nature can feel somewhat alien to ourselves. Its scary to feel something good. We know crying and sadness, but happiness and laughter, they can be strange. A day where we actually feel good about ourselves, we wish would stay but we know that the likelihood is that the happy feeling wont even last the day where our moods can be so volatile.

Taking some time to step out of the situation has helped me, so try to look at the situation through someone else’s eyes. Ask yourself why shouldn’t I be happy? I deserve to be happy. I am good, people do like me, I am a likeable person. In DBT this is part of cheerleading exercise. Thoughts are not facts, so next time your mind jumps to a conclusion do this exercise and see how it helps you.

Black and White thinking – This is all or nothing thinking, there are no grey areas. If something doesn’t meet the borderlines expectations then they see it as a complete failure.

Negative Conclusions– A borderline will come to a negative conclusion despite there are not being any facts to support the conclusion. This is usually done in two forms:
Mind Reading: This is where a borderline will assume what a person is thinking and that they are thinking negatively about them.
Prediction: A borderline will negatively predict they will fail at something or an event is going to turn out badly. They set themselves up for a bad time rather than going with the flow.

Catastrophizing – This is where a borderline will make everything seem a lot worse and will think and think about an event making it seem worse and worse in their minds. They will make out something is the worst thing ever more to convince themselves that they aren’t able to do something and to withdraw. This usually happens when a borderline is forced to step outside of their comfort zone.

Resisting Positive Experiences – A borderline will resist positive experiences by insisting that they weren’t as good as they actually are, they invalidate themselves by saying they could have done better and that it wasn’t good enough. This then leads to feelings of being inadequate and worthless and a secondary distorted thinking process of generalising everything.

Generalising Everything – This is when a borderline sees one single negative event as a continuous repeating cycle of defeat. A borderline will use words such as always or never when describing negative events. Example – being turned down for a job, a borderline will think they are never going to get a job, they are always going to be turned down.

Negative Filtering of Events – This is when a borderline will take a small negative detail and dwell on it so much that they will forget all the positives that happened at the same time. Example – passing a driving test but having 1 minor. The borderline will focus on that minor and will obsess about it for days, seeming to forget that they passed their driving test and positive factors that that brings for them.

Emotions are Facts – A borderline has unstable emotions and will spend a lot of their time in emotional mind. They tend to believe and think that the emotions they are feeling are true for the situation.

Shoulda Coulda Woulda statements – A borderline can be very pessimistic and with a lot of events they believe that events “shoulda, coulda or woulda” been better. They are never happy with the results of events and will often use these statements to justify their pessimistic view.

Self Blame/Blaming others – A borderline will hold themselves responsible for events that are beyond their control. Example – recently there has been an incident with my niece and I blamed myself for her actions despite not having any control over her actions. On the opposite a borderline may blame others for situations they are responsible for, this is because some borderlines are unable to take responsibility of their actions and want someone else to take the blame, they will try and make someone their scapegoat.

Paranoid Thinking – Borderlines can experience brief psychosis and as a part of this they can experience paranoia. They will believe that people are out to get them, sometimes this paranoid thinking can come as a secondary result from another distorted thinking and the paranoia will feed from that thinking.

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